Photo by: Sarah Mackie
I felt a bit deflated last night.
I'd planned to spend the day working on some Tik Tok videos, getting my suitcase of characters out of the basement actually felt symbolic of the fact that I've spent most of my time this past year in Tali - less interested in needing to expose my parts or vocalise them because they seemed pretty quiet.
But then getting the costumes out, it was like they were stale - I couldn't access the physicality, accent or voice as easily as I used to.
Cos it's a muscle, right? Like how can you expect if you haven't been to the gym in a while to bench press as many times as you used to.
It's crazy how much pressure and expectation I place upon myself sometimes.
This also has and is the downfall of creative expression and creative life force being able to come through easily, because we place expectations or try to control the knowing of how it's going to come out.
I've done this time and time again.
And so this morning it was beautiful to be reminded that my creative expression and whole journey with my voices started because I literally picked up a piece of costume and started playing.
I was in the kitchen washing dishes and I'd start talking in an accent for fun.
I never dreamed or imagined it was going to turn into a show.
I never dreamed or understood I was accessing a body of work.
I didn't truly understand I was investigating parts of my psyche. That there were people who heard voices as part of their psychic experience.
I literally just started playing.
I didn't know I was going to end up running programs and workshops for others to do the process.
And I didn't know I was going to stop all of that to spend time coming to find my new form of self expression and realign with a new truth.
The podcast felt like the next step in my own expression. Just me and my voice. I'm still in the earlyish phases of it, seeing how much clarity is coming through for the mission and purpose of - just from doing it, week after week now for months.
Having heartfelt conversations with other creatives to understand their process, their ideas and learnings on what it means to be a creative being. What gets in the way of our process and what frees us. What a treat it's been and continues to be.
And whilst I have new forms my creativity is taking - like podcasting and writing, I don't really know where it's going to lead or if there's a mission evolvement behind it.
I didn't last time round, so why am I placing pressures and expectations on myself this time?
Because I'm human and I have an ego that is constantly seeking control .
And so, here I am in the full circle of not knowing some parts...but remembering that I do know what happens when my egoic voices take over.
They try to plan, keep me safe and 'logicalise' why I shouldn't do something my heart is gently calling me to do.
Like write...
Like sit with myself quietly and listen to music and feel what it feels like to be creatively flowing again.
We don't have to know the answers, because god/universe already has them...
So to all my voices, thank you - thanks for reminding me of what the truth is...I know that's why you're there.
But I got this, I have no idea and that's ok - it's a beautiful space to be. It's a space that feels less pressured and less controlling.
It's from this space that I can actually dance or sing - without judgement in my head.
It's a place I can write and enjoy the process of allowing the words to come through without knowing what they're going to be.
It's a place where magic can happen.
It's a place where the truest essence of the creation can unfold.
Without this place....I'd actually not know where I'd be...
How ironic...
I speak more on how I learnt to let go of control in Episode 6 of The Creative Zone Podcast.
Much Love,
Tali